You’ve likely been in this situation many times: you’re listening to a colleague making a point about the project you’re collaborating on when they say something you don’t agree with.
Navigating disagreements during collaborative work can be difficult. So much so that you might decide that it’s best to keep quiet, rather than risk holding up the project or damaging your working relationships.
Staying quiet, though, could have just as much of a negative impact on the project. You never know what damage could be caused if you keep a potentially valuable point to yourself (and not rock the boat).
There is a right place, time, and way to disagree about work.
Why We Avoid Disagreements
As Amy Gallo explains: “We’ve come to equate saying ‘I see it differently’ or ‘I don’t agree’ with being angry, rude, or unkind, so it makes most people horribly uncomfortable.”
Part of the problem is that we tend to interpret disagreement as a threat or an attack (due to our own experiences of being disagreed with) and we expect someone to respond defensively. And that fear is not unfounded.
Liane Davey explains it by the following: “We feel exposed in the face of opposing perspectives. As we worry about the merits of our arguments, we find it safer to shut down the debate than to leave room for a dissenting opinion.”
A dissenting point of view presents the possibility that someone may have to change their mind, something which can cause cognitive tension and even fear. As with receiving constructive feedback, it can also feel like an attack on their competence and intelligence. All of these factors can lead someone to respond in a confrontational way.
It’s not surprising that the act of disagreeing feels fundamentally anti-social. Many of us are likely to decide that it’s safer to let the matter go rather than derail the project with an argument or cause messy interpersonal conflict.
Why We Should Disagree More
“One of the most insidious threats to growth and innovation is the inability to accept arguments (or even evidence) that contradict what we believe. ”
Ann Kowal Smith, Forbes
If disagreements are so unpleasant, why should we be embracing them as part of our collaborative process?
The key is to understand that there are two types of disagreement: destructive and productive. Destructive conflict is antagonistic and characterized by both sides attempting to “win” by proving the other side wrong. On the other hand, “productive conflict” involves respectfully and thoroughly discussing opposing views in an attempt to find the best way forward.
Healthy disagreement leads to heightened creativity and better decision-making. Having the freedom to challenge the points and ideas on the table means your team is in a better position to avoid groupthink .
Welcoming opposing views also enables you to make the most of everyone’s perspectives, enhancing the collective intelligence of the team. As Tijs Besieux, Amy C. Edmondson, and Femke de Vries explain: “The quality of your collective decisions are driven by the diversity of your experiences and expertise.”
This freedom to speak up and be heard can also lead to better engagement at work. It enables everyone to have their say, making people feel valued. Even where the point you make isn’t adopted, being able to discuss it thoroughly and evaluate the alternatives makes it easier to accept that decision and then move forward.
And while disagreements that aren’t well received can undermine your team’s working relationships, productive conflict and respectful disagreement can strengthen them. In fact, the freedom to respectfully disagree is a hallmark of psychological safety. “By working through conflict together,” says Amy Gallo, “you’ll feel closer to the people around you and gain a better understanding of what matters to them and how they prefer to work.”
Changing How You Think About Disagreement
The first step towards being able to productively voice a dissenting opinion is shifting your mindset.
Rather than contradicting someone, you’re offering a potentially valuable piece of information that could make a huge difference to the project. If you keep your focus firmly on the ideas, it should help you to feel more comfortable with voicing an opposing view.
This has the added benefit of limiting the potential for interpersonal conflict. As Liane Davey explains: “The tone will improve as the conflict becomes centered on the ideas rather than the individuals who are presenting them.”
Productive conflict is also about approaching a discussion in a spirit of exploration. While you may believe the person is mistaken, be aware that there are always gaps in your knowledge and things you won’t have considered. If you can approach disagreement with curiosity and with the aim to understand the topic in greater depth, there’s a good chance that the other person will reciprocate.
How to Disagree Constructively
Here are some practical tips you can use in the moment to respectfully disagree with a point your colleague has made about something you’re working on together. Most also apply if you need to respond constructively when someone has disagreed with you.
Take a Deep Breath
Take a moment to calm down and check in with yourself. What are your reasons for wanting to disagree?
Get Clarity
Ask clarifying questions of the other person and summarize what you’re hearing to make sure you’ve properly understood their point.
Find Perspective
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand why they’ve adopted the stance they have. Is there any common ground? At the very least, you’re likely both trying to do your best for the project.
Be Prepared
If you have time, prepare your points and any data that backs them up before you respond. If not, explain that you’d like to look into the matter further before giving a definitive response.
Consider Timing
Pick the right time and place (if it’s happening outside of a meeting). You don’t want to ambush someone or put them on the spot publicly. This is especially important if you’re disagreeing with someone in a position of authority.
State Intentions
Once you’re ready to disagree, start by stating your intentions for doing so and acknowledging the common ground. Liane Davey also recommends validating the other person’s perspective with a statement like “You come at this from a very different perspective than I do, so it’s natural that we see it differently. My perspective is based on…”
Keep It Kind
Avoid charged language. Try not to use absolute statements such as “You’re wrong about…” or “This is a hard fact.” Try to approach it as offering an alternative way of looking at things, rather than an attempt to correct them. Always give yourself the room to agree as neither party should feel as if they’ve “lost”.
Be Receptive
Leave room for the other person to reply and indicate that you’re keen to hear what they have to say. Academic Francesca Gino has conducted research that shows that we’re more likely to change people’s minds if they see that we’re receptive to their point of view.
Moving Towards Productive Conflict
Disagreements get a bad rap. However, when approached constructively and respectfully, they can lead to better results, more effective collaborations, and healthier team dynamics.
If you think about voicing a dissenting opinion as a genuine attempt to provide useful insights that could lead to a better outcome for the project, it becomes much easier to speak up. By clearly stating your intentions, validating the other person’s perspective, and keeping things tightly focused on the work itself, you can keep disagreements productive and civil.
